Lessons with Z. - plans and courage

This blog started as an attempt to define things for myself while on the path to being a composer. To continue in that vein, I am finally listening to and transcribing excerpts from my lessons with Z. between 2000 and 2004.

Z: So, I don't know what art is, I just know what it is not, and I also know what it is for me. Now, do you have a similar place in your life? I don't think so yet.
fp: No, not yet, but I'm getting there...
Z: Yes! And I'm getting there, too! So as long as you've got your foot on the path, you're doing ok. But, how many are with you? You better not feel lonely, because you are!
fp: I guess I've been thinking about it a great deal more...
Z: go on...
fp: ...in terms of my graduate school plans in sacred music, which I had, in, sometime around the time that we had started working together and after 20th century (class) that I had made a quiet decision that that was going to be... that the purity of sacred music, as I saw it, was going to be something that I was going to fight for for a long time.
Z: Good!
fp: So now that I'm saying, "Alright, this is going to happen..."
Z: "This is what I'm gonna to do..."
fp: yes
Z: "This is one of the important things I'm gonna do in my life."
fp: And the more...and the few members of clergy, I suppose, that I've spoken to, who have just been, who I've talked to have said to me, you know, "Good, we need somebody to do that..."
Z: ...but they're full of shit...
fp: ...well, some of them are...
Z: They'll say, "We need somebody," and they really mean it, but do you know what they mean when they say, "We need somebody."?
fp: what?
Z: They're telling you, "We need somebody to service what we want."
fp: well..
Z: ...and their standards
fp: well, hang on, let me finish...The response that I've gotten has been, "We need somebody thinking the way you do." when I describe to them, in very limited detail, some of my motivations. Is that clear?....
Z: Yeah, and you're very clear, but you have to understand that these are people who are nine and a half out of ten are professional clergy, and that's already a dichotomy. Because everyone binds themselves between what they like to do, like to say and can and can't. And as long as you are living in the arts, you are always going to be in that problem, which you'll have to balance, and it's a very difficult balancing act. But, they encourage you and that's good. And they indeed mean what they say, but they are not as sophisticated as you are. The answer to what they say to you will be, for you, "We'll see." When they bring you (something) and you say, "That's not..."
fp: That's not exactly...
Z: Then you'll find out. And then when you say, "What exactly, what do you have difficulty with?" then comes..."Not quite what I...
fp: ...expected...
Z: So what they're telling you is, "Why don't you just be a good boy. You see what that thing is over there? We like that alot. I bet you could do that."....and don't be upset with me...
fp: No, no, no, ...
Z: ...you're an artist...
fp: ... and that's the whole purpose of it is to get, you know, to try and familiarize and solidify my arguments to myself, that I've been doing for a little bit now, coupled with the fact that I have the tendency to fly off the handle.
Z: Yes, you do. What's interesting about you, Frank, is that, as you get older, the red light comes on before you get pissed: you flush before you get upset...you can see it's coming.
fp: I can feel it coming, too...
Z: ...so you have to learn to be a better poker player.
fp: I'm a very bad poker player...
(laughter)
Z: But also, this should help: You'll have to see the world as "them" and "you." Don't tell me it's "them" and "us." It's not been my experience. When push comes to shove, you're generally out there with your balls in your hand. Now, as long as you're comfortable with that, it's a solitary experience.
fp: I don't currently have the patience for that...or the courage...
Z: Well, if the big picture is right, you'll find the patience.